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GCSE Fiddle

I am asked by parents and staff how we are going to achieve 90% GCSE/GNVQ A*-C next year. My wife and I have had some good laughs in bed together about that.

First, I would like you to consider the Sir John Cass Foundation and Redcoat Church of England Secondary School who were top of the league tables in January of this year. In 2000 they had 32% and by 2003 they had a 79% pass rate (GCSE/GNVQ A*-C).

It doesn't take an expert to realise that miracle teaching practices or a sudden influx of hard working students didn't cause this great increase in their statistics.

We depend on greedy promotion hungry SMTs and HODs to keep our fiddle system running in the right direction. We also depend on the fear of being blacklisted, to keep the teachers mouths shut about what is really going on in a school.

So, what is the secret? It's simple really, the first thing is that we fortunately have parents and governors who are totally ignorant. We give them some figures and they believe it, never questioning how they were achieved or what they really mean.

The league tables have depended on GCSE/GNVQ results. Have any of you done a GNVQ, in hairdressing maybe, or car mechanics? No exam, the evidence is moderated internally, evidence can be produced for you etc.... not really the quality of a GCSE grade C but in actual fact, a GNVQ Intermediate part 1 is worth 2 GCSEs!! A Godsend for failing schools.

We don't want to look too conspicuous; we want the figures to look genuine. We choose a number of students who are not going to get the GCSE grades to keep our percentages going up, and get them to take GNVQ Intermediate part 1 in a couple of simple subjects. If they don't collect the evidence, we collect it for them, if they don't write their own work, we write out statements for them to copy, HODs are practiced at this for GCSE coursework, it's even easier for GNVQ.

Another thing the league tables don't tell you - the percentage GCSE A*-C in the core subjects of English, Math's and Science. Thank you God for making parents so stupid, they never ask for those figures.

Catastrophe? The Governemet are scrapping the GNVQ system but hey ho... they're bringing in an accademic diploma instead, still worth up to four GCSEs and it won't be the worth the paper it's printed on. Phew!!... That was close.

I hope you will all now feel confident that I can achieve the 90% target set for 2007. Sometimes I actually feel sorry for the poor buggers leaving school with less and less knowledge, while up and up we go in the league tables, then I think of my nice house and car….

Dick (Head)